Beautifully Unwrapped

Death from Obesity ~ Part 1 (Introduction)

Warning ~ this the first in a series of posts I previously referred to as raw honesty.   

    And, since I expect some tears to flow I just got up to grab a kleenex.

        But, in my deepest heart I believe God is calling me to transparency for me & maybe others....

It has been almost 3 years since my mom ran into the arms of Her Savior.  I have no doubt that she had a crown in Heaven waiting for her.  She was an amazing woman who'd overcome a horribly abusive childhood to raise my brother (a pastor) and I;  both of whose families are happy and serving God.  She left a beautiful legacy of love that extended well beyond the walls of her home.  

So, please understand this series is NOT out of disrespect for or judgment of my mom.   I have chosen to share this reality in honor of the life she lived.  To continue the impact her existence had.  If sharing her battle can change one life - I know she'd tell me to shout it from the rooftops.

**This series's purpose isn't a "how to prevent", but rather a "please prevent".   The devastation and concomitant diseases from obesity are well known.  What isn't discussed as much is the emotional toll the extra weight takes on the family members.  I'm giving a peek into my mind to help others understand that obesity isn't just a physical or personal curse.  It affects every loved one and can reach deep into their spirits for years to come.**   

Let me assure you that my words on your screen are the result of extensive emotional processing and mental filing.  I've had to work through so much to get to the point that I can share what I saw and express what I felt.   The conversations in my head have taken me places I did not want to go.   But, I believe for MY healing and to defeat my OWN monster, I needed to go to those places. 

It is my deepest prayer that my honesty will change a life.  

    I pray a mother changes.  I pray a child heals.  I pray an uncle evolves.  

        I pray our journey is not yours.  

Join me as I share the reality of death from obesity. 

Next:  Part 2 (How did THAT happen?)

 

 

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55 Reasons

Death from Obesity ~ Part 2 (How Did THAT Happen?)

Why Blog It?!

A few years ago I changed my life losing 61 pounds...I thought.  

    But, LIFE happened.  

        All 61 pounds I'd lost, I gained back.  Every. Single. Pound.

Here I am:  Insecure, overweight, & frustrated once again.  

I've hit the reset...one final time.

Why blog it?

    Last time there were too many moments I wished I had the journey documented in my words.

        I firmly believe pictures & words to express my feelings would have helped prevent the regain.

So, this time, I'm putting the journey in print. 

• It gives me a history to read:  Feelings and truth to prevent me from returning here
• It keeps me accountable:  When I know others depend on me - I will NOT fail
• It records the story for my family:  I DON'T want my daughter here.  Maybe my words will be the road block to this sad legacy
• If. I. Can. Help. ONE. Person...My transparancy will be worth every moment
• God has called me to be honest with myself and others
• I believe my mother died from obesity ~ I don't want that to happen to anyone else
• I'm homeschooling momma - I don't get out often - I need to use my 50,000 words a day  :)

    If you know anyone who is me, pass this link on.  

        I'm not better than all the other sites out there.  There are many much better.

            But for me, I'm going to blog my journey.  I will NOT be here again.

                Anyone want to make the same claim? 

1/19/14  I WILL be in a corral 50 lbs thinner ready to run 26.2 again with my playlist & Jesus!  :)

    What is YOUR big goal??  

        What are you going to do to Go Get It make that goal your story?!

(I share the story about my mom's battle in the Death From Obesity Series)

 

 

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Blindside Meets the Biggest Loser

Runner ~ Twila Paris

Death from Obesity ~ Part 1 (Introduction)

54 Ways I am YOU

54 pounds to go....

54 ways I might be like YOU:                                      

1. I love my children more than I love that cookie
2. I feel like a failure more than I feel like a success
3. I am the oldest child who felt I had to do more better 
4. I can't resist Chick-Fil-A 
5. I am a mother who feels guilty if I do anything for myself
6. I am afraid of failure 
7. I am a perfectionist who doesn't finish things if I know I can't make it perfect
8. I feel guilty when I exercise because there are so many other things I could/should do
9. I feel like a new woman after I exercise & feel equipped to do the things I could/should do
10. I love my life, just not my body
11. I don't want to take my measurements because that means I have to face the truth
12. Since I can't control my weight I control my universe: alphabetize spices & color code my closet
13. I have the best children in the world
14. I have been deeply hurt by the ones I love the most
15. I talked myself into believing that food will hurt me less than people
16. I envy moms who go to the grocery store nicely dressed with perfect make-up 
17. I hate shopping at Wal-Mart, but can't pass up the money I save
18. I can be very lazy
19. I can't pass up chocolate
20. I can't pass up anything flavored like chocolate
21. In my darkest hours I found solace in food and a pet, not a person
22. I use every measuring stick, except God's, to compare me to others
23. When I look in the mirror I immediately state the negative, usually the status of my weight
24. I want my ceiling to be my childrens' floor
25. I have felt beautiful 10 times in my life - if I exaggerate
26. If I could, I would wear flip-flops every day everywhere
27. I hate the dentist
28. I hate cleaning toilets
29. I'm scared to do burpees
30. I love Shamrock shakes from McDonalds & will find excuses to get one 'for the kids'
31. My house isn't clean enough
32. I wish I could take many words back
33. I wish I could have said many words
34. My biggest emotional fear is hurting others
35. I think fireman are, well, kinda, cute
36. I can't do a pull-up, but wish I could
37. I can eat a cookie faster than anyone
38. I sneak food - often
39. I wish I could memorize more scripture
40. I have a pile of 'skinny clothes' that I dream of fitting into again
41. I try to coupon, but usually fail miserably
42. If I KNOW others are depending on me, I will not falter
43. The moments I am on the path;  just me & my earphones are when I hear God the loudest 
44. I delete almost every picture I am in
45. I dream of looking like my Garmin belongs on my wrist
46. I have yet to figure out why socks disappear in the dryer
47. I wish I could do the Biggest Loser program 
48. I deeply want to change my life, but am more afraid I will fail
49. I am embarrassed in a swimming suit, and will avoid the water if at all possible
50. When I see people who are overweight I compare their size to mine - then feel sad for us both
51. I've lost almost all the weight, then gained it back too many times
52. I know, somewhere in me is a beautiful woman with a spirit that can change the world

See.  I am YOU.  I can do this.  You can do this.  

 

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55 Reasons

Running the Numbers

More than the Cookie...

All I Ever Have to Be ~ Amy Grant

Remember and KNOW:

All I ever have to be is what You've made me
Any more or less would be a step out of Your plan...

(This is a slow one, but it's a good reminder for us perfectionists - many of whom are runners)

If you are looking for a foot pounder, skip to the next song on My Christian Running Playlist  :)

   

 

55 Reasons

55 reasons I need to lose the last 55 pounds again  :)                                 

1. Save my life
2. Give my daughter the example she deserves
3. In defiance of my mom's battle
4. In celebration of my mom's beauty
5. Move from behind to the front of the camera
6. Stop avoiding mirrors
7. Stop needing to unbutton the top of my jeans to prevent muffin top
8. Buy the bright pink shirt
9. Have the confidence to know all I ever have to be is who God created me to be
10. Run 26.2 again
11. Raise my hands in praise to God without thinking about my flabby arms
12. Get rid of the mom jeans
13. Not dread my husband's work Christmas party
14. Stop the constant barrage of self-loathing comments
15. Be unrecognizable to my Zoey when we she runs to meet me once again 
16. Be a more secure parent that listens and leads by example
17. Wear heels without feeling like a hippo on stilts
18. Eat my double stuffed mint oreos without guilt
19. Give my knees and hips the gift of a lightened load
20. Enjoy bathing suit shopping
21. Fit into the lacey bras 
22. Make people question if I really am that old
23. Prove that I love my children more than I love that cookie
24. Enjoy the freedom of riding a horse without thinking about all that bouncing going on
25. Not worry about if that guy is looking at my butt and thinking 'yuck'
26. Praise Him because I AM fearfully and wonderfully made
27. Share clothes with my daughter
28. Ride on the back of my hubby's motorcycle without thinking of the extra load on turns
29. Be an inspiration for other 40-something moms, because, I am them
30. Celebrate the stretch marks & wrinkles where the fat once was
31. Actually see the bumps from the skeleton that's supposedly underneath this skin
32. Fit into the cute running clothes again
33. STOP the deadly cycle of obesity in my family
34. Check the box for size 'small' race shirt at my next marathon
35. Wear headbands without my head looking like an orange with a rubberband around it
36. Get the short haircut for my nappy curly hair
37. Make my sons' friends do a double take
38. Run faster than I can speed-walk
39. Qualify for Boston before I am 70
40. Get a few extra miles out of my running shoes
41. Make my husband proud to have me on his arm
42. Get a family portrait after 14 years
43. Once again hear from the waitress 'That's how you stay so skinny.'
44. Look like an advertisement for LA fitness, not Chick-Fil-A
45. Enjoy the second half of my life even more than I enjoyed the first
46. Go to my son's cake decorating class without looking like I am the one who is the baker
47. No longer hide when I hear Queen's 'Fat-Bottomed Girls' 
48. When I want to cry I will run instead of eat 
49. Pray at the altar without worrying about what others are seeing or thinking
50. Put my mother's illness its place as her's, not mine
51. Finally get a mammogram 
52. Enjoy shopping and actually leave the store with something
53. Give my husband the freedom to buy me clothes without worrying about offending me
54. Put food in its place as fuel not emotional support
55. Be Beautifuly Unwrapped as the woman God created and planned for me to be to better do His Work and grow His Kingdom!

Not as Fat Jeans :)

Honest yet funny story:

I have my 'finally skinny jeans', my 'fattest you've ever been jeans', & about 4 pairs in between.  :)

This morning I quickly got ready to meet a friend for breakfast, zipped my pants and beat myself up for the next 5 minutes.

Yesterday my jeans were very lose.

    Today they fit....

 

WHAT did I eat?  

    Water weight?

        Did elves throw them in the dryer last night?!

On the way out the door I caught a glimpse of my jeans.  Then I saw it... THAT spot...

    That spot where my thighs had rubbed a hole in the fabric.

But, I wore them to breakfast hole & all....

    'Cause I couldn't button them a month ago!

        It was a trophy for the progress I've made this month.

            It is a reminder of the where I've been & where I'm once again headed.

Gotta celebrate the little victories right?  :)

 

More than the Cookie...

Obesity killed my mother. 

It was slow.

It was long.

It was hard to watch.

It was a family curse that I must break.

It is an ending that I cannot put my children through.

I have to love my children more than I love that cookie.

Today is another day to CHOOSE to show my children that they mean the world to me.

Running the Numbers

45      My age                                                                                

185    My weight

5'7     My height

4        How many children I have

61      How many pounds I lost 3 years ago

61       How many pounds I'd gained in the last 2 years...yes - for real

138     My weight 2 years ago

26.2    My favorite race

22        How many years I've been married

199     My highest non-pregnant weight

130    My goal weight 

4         How many Eeyore coffee cups I own  

53       The age of my father's first heart attack

63       My mother's age when she died from the effects of obesity

2          The number of times during my whole life that I've felt in control of my weight - sad but true

Working on making that last number a 3 as the Blindside meets the Biggest Loser  :)

Emotions = No Focus

It was just an affair.

    Just a couple friends, cheating on their spouses.  

        And, I ate.

It wasn't even my affair.  

    It wasn't even my story.

        But, I ate.

I couldn't control the situation.

    I couldn't control my emotions.

        So, I ate.

No joke.  I was upset.  I lost my focus.  And, for 2 days I honestly didn't even think about what was going in my mouth.  

On the second day I was reminded of one of my biggest problems.  When the emotions are on, my focus is off.  

I. Have. An. Issue. With. Focus & Food.  

Beautiful for Me ~ Nichole Nordeman

This one's deep & a heart toucher.  

It may not be a pulse racing, foot pounding song; but it's one we need to hear while it's just us & Him on the road.

Use it for warm up or cool down ~ Hear the words that He made us beautiful FOR Him.

Has anybody told you you’re beautiful?
You might agree if you could see what I see
‘Cuz everything about you is incredible
You should have seen me smile the day that I made you beautiful for me