Before finishing this series I want to tie in why sharing my mom's story is so critical for this series.
Part 1 shared my heart,
Part 2 shared the summary,
Part 3 answered questions,
Part 4 was raw honesty,
Part 5 heals the honesty,
Part 6 begs for change,
Part 7 shares how I came to the point to not only be able to, but desire to share the story.
After my mom's passing I deeply struggled. All the words I didn't say were like darts hitting my soul. The guilt I felt was overwhelming. I felt as if I'd had a hand in cheating my children out of their grandmother.
I never fully shared with anyone all the thoughts I had. I plunged forward within my constant self-torture with a smile on my face.
Life kept going. I had children to homeschool, baseball games to drive to, and I felt there were other parts of my life reeling out of control that I needed to focus on and change. There was no time for grieving, processing, or healing....
But, there was time to eat - and, I did...All 61 pounds I'd worked so hard to lose I eventually gained back.
It didn't really hit me until the day I got on the scale and saw the exact same number that I saw a few years ago.
Really? How did I let that happen again?
Slowly, I peeled back the layers of my guilt, loss, hurt, and, insecurity. I came to the realization that I am a pollyanna that sees the best in everyone and everything, except myself. In myself I find fat, ugliness, fault, and failure. I truly am my own worst enemy. BUT...
I've prayed and processed many things. I've had some hard conversations with myself. I've gone places in my memory that were ugly, but I've also reminded myself of many moments of beauty and pride in both my mom and me.
I've been convicted by my self-loathing and false guilt: That is not of God, but of the enemy doing what he can to manipulate my mind to inadequacy. If I live in a constant state of failure, I can not be as valuable to my family as God intended.
One epiphany after another has led me to here:
I know that my mom's demons are haunting me.
BUT, because I saw the destruction caused by her struggle, I can be thankful...
Thankful that I have the opportunity to STOP the devastation of obesity.
Thankful I get to show my family that I DO love them more than the cookie.
Thankful that my mom's battle with obesity CAN be used to help and heal others.
Thankful that God can work in my hurt spirit to turn pain to peace and power.
Thankful that I have been given life to live beautifully unwrapped!
As I close this series post 8 with a letter to my mom, my prayer is that I have made you think, even if only for a few moments. It's hard to squeeze so much story in a few short posts. I pray somehow I've given you a peak into the devastation obesity can leave in its path. May you find either the courage to change or help change just one person before it is too late.
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